I was reminded recently during meditation…actually while listening to the Sutras, about my first time in meditation.
I know I have told this story before but this time after reflecting on some things Panjantali had said it also reminded me of a verse from Bible scripture about becoming like a child again which I have also read in the Tao.
The first time I sat down to meditate I was maybe 10-11 years old. I don’t remember where I got the idea from but it was in my head.
I remember sitting in front of my bedroom door to block it so no one would know what I was doing. I thought if someone caught me then I would be made fun of or something. I don’t remember those specifics.
What I do remember is that I didn’t know what I was doing. I just thought I am going to meditate. I must have picked it up from somewhere, maybe a movie.
So after blocking the door, I sat down and did nothing. I had no clue what to do. I didn’t chant. I didn’t think of all the things I know about now when it comes to a busy mind.
I just said to myself “close your eyes” so I did. All I remember about it was a bright white light. When I opened my eyes I was startled. I jumped up, ran out of the room and realized a few hours had passed.
The other day reflecting on all of this I understood what the Tao, Bible and Sutras meant by saying that if you want to return to God you must be like a child again.
When it comes to spiritual matters, before chatter sets in, it was so easy to “see the light”, “return to God”, “be at peace”, “make union” to meditate in the way that as you grow you forget and it takes so much effort to just not think.
Every once in a while I still catch a glimpse of that. That piece of God. The Eagle, the light, the random word that pops into my head that I have to look up because I don’t know what it means. The subtle and undefinable permeance that engulfs you and for just a moment you feel certain in more that the regular level that you and God have merged.
It’s this experience that you know you want again and again but along the way while searching you get lost and chatter invades your sense and that thing, that peace, that ease or that bliss becomes harder to get.
To be like a child again, to be born again, to let go, upanishad etc…is to be like that little girl who made sure her space was safe and then expected nothing because there was no idea floating in my mind about what I was supposed to find.
There was no one around to tell me how to do it, to tell me I am doing it wrong, no expectations of receiving something special. I just sat there with my eyes closed. I was indeed free of desire.
I was free of worry even if only briefly and THAT is what the Universe is trying to tell me. Stop worrying.
Chimta. That was the word that popped into my head the other night while contemplating the need to pray when my prayers are always the same.
Every problem I have is rooted in worry or rather in fear of loss. I worry about those I love so much so that it keeps me up at might and circles my mind.
Learning to let go of that is the hardest obstacle for me to overcome. I have always know that worry is a waste of energy and a life sucker but removing that seed is so much harder than my logical mind knows.
Anyway. The point is that I am working on it and when I feel it set in I have to remind myself that worry will not deflect any bad that might come but it will suck the light out of me in the process.