I get that I don’t really get a whole lot of tractions on my site and in general I keep trying to create a niche and I don’t have one. After finding understanding of myself after learning and understanding that I am neurodivergent (autistic and ADHD) there is and has always been a reason I cannot seem to stay on topic with anything.

That said, I know that my thoughts and ideas are not popular and they go against the grain of society because I always seem to challenge the narrative because I see the world differently than most. I attribute that to an understanding of myself that has always been rebellious in nature when things do not agree with my morals.

In autism, they say that for the most part we are ingrained with the idea of justice. Justice can look different to each according to their upbringing but for me, it’s this idea that my brain just cannot shake, that justice is more akin to social equality and understanding all sides.

I also learned that what I used to describe as abstract thinking is called Associative Thinking. It’s when my brain takes bits of information from all over the place and sees a pattern. The pattern can change when given new information but the result is always the same. I am looking for what connects them all together.

I also learned that I think in pictures. That one was a bit hard to wrap my mind around since that IS the way I think about things. It’s similar to associative thinking where I abstract bits and pieces from my brains data banks and create a visual in the back of my head so that I see a whole picture not just bits and piece. At the same time, I am building but I do it so quickly that it happens in the same sense that others use to reason with language. For instance, someone who doesn’t think in pictures will verbalize their process in a linear way. For me, I see the whole thing quicker than a language can produce. So this happens in an instance much like the words you choose to use happen in what also seems like an instance.

Because I have a more difficult time using verbiage to express what I see in my head and the process of how I arrived at my conclusions, it can be difficult for people to understand or follow my thoughts because I often leave out bits and pieces in-between but also used those during the formation of my picturesque thought process. It’s confusing, I know but that’s the problem when it comes to being able to articulate and express my ideas to a general population that has a normative thinking process and to be inherently divergent from the majority of the population.

At any rate, I want to spend more time expressing what I actually think about things instead of trying to fit in. That way of being has never worked out for me. I got bullied and shunned for trying and I will get bullied and shunned for diverging. The whole thing makes me feel that my whole life has been a process of trying to conform YET I could never do it and it’s not for lack of trying. It’s because my neurotype doesn’t allow it.

So I am done with trying and ready to start being because the old way of trying has never worked out for me. I should spend more time addressing what I know to be true instead of the standard conformity to things that just don’t make any sense at all.

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